July 2007

• Relationships...for Dummies?
• The Divas' Guide to Relationships: 7 Lessons from the Superstars
• Mission Statement
• Complimentary Coaching Session

 

Relationships ... for Dummies?

Dear Subscriber,

As a great excuse to beat the oppressive summer-in-the-city heat, I
found myself the other day wandering aimlessly through the aisles
of my neighborhood Barnes & Noble.

There I was, in the self-help section (where else?), when a sale
item caught my eye. Well, if there's one thing I love more than
books it's a book on sale, so naturally I went in for the kill. The
labor of my bargain-hunting efforts? Relationships for Dummies!

I've always been suspicious, if not downright scornful, of the
"Dummies" and "Idiots" series of books. (You know the ones I'm
talking about: those oversize paperbacks with the black-and-yellow
covers.) I mean, if you're really as dumb as a hammer, is it even
advisable to... Build Your Own Hydraulic Airplane? Learn the Templar
Code? Have Tantric Sex? Breastfeed?

But I digress: The "Dummies" book on relationships was 60 percent
off, so I grabbed it and lugged it home to join the other self-help books gathering dust on my bookshelf (My all-time favorite title: The Last Self-help Book You'll Ever Need: Repress Your Anger, Think Negatively, Be a Good Blamer, and Throttle Your Inner Child).

Now, I can't say that I've actually read my newly acquired
"Dummies" book on relationships, but I can tell you this: The book
- no matter how "dumb" it may appear - gave me an excellent, and
somewhat novel, idea for this month's newsletter.

So, read on... and rock on! (You'll see what I mean, I promise.)

All the best,

Melissa Roske, ACC
Certified Life and Personal Coach
Wheels in Motion Coaching
"Coaching for Women with a Drive for More" http://www.wheelsinmotioncoaching.com

Telephone: 646-736-8502

 

The Divas' Guide to Relationships:
7 Lessons from the Superstars

Relationships have their ups and downs: their ecstatic highs and
their abysmal lows. Navigating your way along this proverbial
Freeway of Love, however, can be a tough nut to crack. For
inspiration, I've turned to seven soulful songbirds for their sassy
attitude and kick-ass advice...

1. Get "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" (Aretha Franklin).

It's no surprise that any healthy, mutually gratifying relationship
is based on a solid foundation of love, trust and - sing it,
Aretha! - respect. After all, it's that feeling of being held in
high regard by your significant other (SO) that makes you feel
truly loved, appreciated, desired and cared for.

If, however, you're lacking the r-e-s-p-e-c-t you need to sustain
the r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p, it's vital that you speak up. Otherwise,
resentment and anger can build until you're feeling more PO'd than
loving toward your SO. For tips on how to say what's on your mind
and in your heart, read on...

2. "Express Yourself" (Madonna).

If speaking your mind seems about as appealing as marching through
K-Mart naked, then whom best to turn to than the self-appointed
queen of "telling it like it is"? Sure, having a heart-to-heart
conversation with your partner can be hard, especially if he isn't
amenable to hearing what you have to say. But isn't it harder to
bottle up anger and resentment than to let it out, openly and
honestly?

When you do decide to talk to your partner about what's going on,
make sure to use "I" statements ("I feel..."; "I want..."; "I  need...")
as opposed to "You" statements ("You never..."; "You always..."; "You
shouldn't...", etc.). That way, your better half won't feel
belittled, intimidated or falsely accused. He'll be more open to
what you have to say.

At the same time, it's important to note that men and women have
different or "asymmetrical" communication styles. Women talk to
share feelings and intimate experiences; men talk to acquire or
impart information (sound familiar?). Therefore, having a better
understanding of how women communicate with men will undoubtedly
help you out.

One of the best sources of info on this topic is Deborah Tannen's
groundbreaking book, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in
Conversation (HarperCollins, 2001). Another book that will shed
light on male-female interactions is John Gray's classic self-help
book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: How to Get What You
Want in Your Relationships (HarperCollins, 2002).

Once you have a better handle on how to communicate with your
partner, chances are that trying to Express Yourself will be that
much easier - now, and in the future.

3. "You Can't Hurry Love" (Diana Ross and the Supremes)

In a society where everything is expected to happen yesterday, it's
easy to forget that some things can't be rushed. Take love, for
instance. Falling in love is a heady, mind-boggling experience, and
sometimes a person's hopes and expectations can be profoundly, and
often disturbingly, unrealistic.

Case in point: You've met the guy of your dreams, fallen for him
hard, and your expectations are higher than the Empire State
Building. But while you may be hoping for a square-cut solitaire,
he may be trying to figure out what he wants and needs from life.

The moral of this story? It's unwise to wait indefinitely for a guy
to get off the fence, but there's equally no sense in pushing him
off it. Some things - like love, and even commitment - need time to
grow and flourish.

4. Forgive, and be "Forgiven" (Alanis Morrissette).

Screwing up is unavoidable at times. We're all human, and stuff
happens - even if we wish it didn't, or hadn't. That's not to
excuse major relationship no-nos, such as infidelity, lying,
stealing and cheating. But if your otherwise lovable partner leaves
a wet towel on the bed for the gazillionth time and you feel like
strangling him with it, you might be wiser to just let it go. Try
to think of the annoying stuff you do (shoes in the hallway,
anyone?). Or, better yet: think of the good stuff your partner does
for you, like making your coffee in the morning; putting the kids
to bed; chatting on the phone with your mother, and so on.

Concentrating on a person's faults is akin to eating a pint of
Chunky Monkey ice cream in one sitting: it's easy to do, but
counterproductive in the long run. By not sweating the small stuff,
you're bound to feel less stressed out and more fulfilled.

5. "Believe" (Cher).

Just as respect, understanding and clear communication are
essential ingredients in a good relationship, so is the belief that
the relationship will endure - even in trying times.

Yes, the divorce rate in this country has been hovering at 50
percent for more than a decade now. But that doesn't mean that you
have to throw up your hands and let pessimism take control. Not
only is negative thinking a slippery slope, allowing problems to go
unheeded and unnoticed is a surefire path to relationship meltdown.

So, in addition to talking to your partner about the difficulties
in the relationship, don't be afraid to reach out for help.
Excellent go-to sources include: a trusted friend, relative or
clergy member; a marriage/couples counselor or therapist; a coach.
Once the problems in your relationship are out in the open, the
possibility of improvement is increased exponentially.

6. "Don't Let it Bring You Down" (Annie Lennox)

When things aren't going well in a relationship, it's easy to focus
on the problem - and nothing but the problem. Unfortunately,
dwelling on the negative can take a serious toll on your health,
happiness and general wellbeing. It also makes things worse. After
all, negativity breeds more negativity.

That's why, in addition to getting the necessary help needed to try
and get things back on track, it's vital that you take care of your
own wants and needs when you feel as if the ship is sinking. Don't
neglect yourself: get out there, and find some distraction.

7. And if all else fails, remember... "I Will Survive" (Gloria Gaynor).

As one wise diva once said (or was it Betty Friedan?): "A woman
without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." As clichéd as this
may be, it's true. You don't need to be part of a twosome to tango.
You can march to the beat of your own drummer and come out ahead.
Way ahead. And once you're out on your own, you might be surprised
to find that "It's Raining Men." Hallelujah!

 

The Mission of Wheels in Motion Coaching

Wheels in Motion Coaching is committed to helping women realize
their potential, to successfully balance and streamline their lives, and to attain their goals - one step at a time.

As a Certified Life and Personal Coach and member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF), I help women tackle their most intimate problems and deepest dilemmas, in a caring, sensitive and confidential manner. Let me help you too.

Melissa Roske, ACC
Certified Life and Personal Coach
Wheels in Motion Coaching
"Coaching for Women with a Drive for More" http://www.wheelsinmotioncoaching.com

Telephone: 646-736-8502

 

Try a Complimentary Coaching Session.

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In this sample session, you will have the chance to experience coaching first-hand and to pose any questions you have about coaching.

Prior to this session, you may want to select a specific dilemma or concern as a starting point for our coaching conversation. Following this 30-minute session, you and I will be able to see whether there is a good "coach/coachee" fit between us.

If the chemistry feels right, you may then want to consider whether coaching is something you'd like to pursue. If it is, you and I will proceed from there. There is absolutely no obligation to move forward in the process.

For a complimentary coaching session, please click on: http://www.wheelsinmotioncoaching.com/free-session.asp

 

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